Are We Mislabeling Entitlement? How Insecurity and Emotional Avoidance Can Show Up in Kids

“What separates privilege from entitlement is GRATITUDE.” – Brene Brown. 

Few things shut parents down faster than fearing their kids are entitled. 

If a child melts down when things don’t go their way, or they seem unable to tolerate frustration, this conclusion often comes quickly:

• We’ve given them too much.
• They’re spoiled.
• They feel entitled to whatever they want.

But what if, in many cases, what looks like entitlement isn’t about being spoiled? What if it’s about discomfort – and a child or teen’s inability to sit with it?

True entitlement comes from a belief: I deserve this no matter what. Rules don’t apply to me. My needs matter more than yours. I should get what I ask for.

But many kids and teens – especially sensitive or anxious ones – aren’t operating from that belief. They’re operating from self-doubt and anxiety. A child who insists on having things their way may not be asserting superiority, but desperately trying to avoid feelings they don’t have the tools to manage: disappointment, shame, or frustration.

Long ago, I had a teen client who was stubbornly refusing to learn how to do her own laundry, despite her parents’ wish to have her take on more responsibility at home. Her parents were baffled at their daughter’s reaction, because she was a top student and athlete in school – not someone you’d write off as lazy. They began to wonder whether their teen simply felt entitled to having the work done for her.

Fortunately, after some investigating, we figured out the truth: my teen client felt nervous learning a new skill. She worried she wouldn’t pick up her parents’ instructions quickly enough, or would make mistakes in the process. She feared she would look “dumb” or pathetic to her family. She was trying to avoid that frustration and shame at all costs.

Children and teens are still developing the brain systems responsible for distress tolerance. So when they’re told no or are pushed to try something new, the experience can feel emotionally overwhelming. Their reaction isn’t a character flaw, it’s a skill gap. If a child or teen has learned that uncomfortable emotions are emergencies (things that must be fixed, avoided, or overridden), then they’ll fight fiercely against anything that brings those emotions up. And when adults rush to label that reaction as entitlement, we often miss the opportunity to teach the very skills the child lacks. 

Instead of asking, “How do I stop or punish this entitled behavior?” We might try asking, “Is my child/teen trying to get out of an uncomfortable feeling right now… and if so, how can I help?”

You might be worried that I’m suggesting we free anxious or dysregulated kids from responsibilities and expectations simply because they’re uncomfortable. But I promise I’m not! Rather, once we know the problem is distress tolerance (or self-esteem), and not entitlement, we can tailor our responses accordingly.