When You’re Constantly Overstimulated as a Parent

I’ve always leaned on the introverted side of life, but since becoming a parent, that need for space has felt much more intense. Recently I’ve noticed myself becoming more irritable and scattered even with rest, and the reason why finally dawned on me: I feel almost constantly overstimulated. 

Perhaps you’ve noticed this about yourself, too. Maybe it feels like your mind is racing, or your body is restless – can you actually get through a TV show without getting up a million times or checking your phone, for example? Maybe you feel anxious, touched out, or like your blood pressure or heart rate is going through the roof. Perhaps you snap at your kids and spouse, only to ruminate with guilt afterward. 

Getting overstimulated isn’t a personal flaw. It’s a nervous system response to too much input for too long without enough recovery. So let’s talk about why it happens. 

To start, have you noticed that our own minds are often a constant source of activity? Within just a few short minutes, we might be planning what’s for dinner, figuring out who’s handling soccer drop off, mentally drafting an email to a coworker, and trying to solve fifth grade math problems.

And then there’s something we don’t talk about often enough: the sheer number of sounds in life. Dog barking, phone ringing, dryer dinging, microwave beeping, notification chiming, cartoons blaring, family talking. Happy shrieks. Unhappy shrieks. 

On top of that, if you’ve got little ones at home, you’re likely touched out. Young children love to climb on their parents for cuddles or wrestling, and kids of all ages pull on your arms to get your attention. Even if you somehow manage to get a break from all the stimulation above, there’s still a little screen waiting to show you sad or frightening news, or notifications that need your response.

At any given moment, there are probably at least 5 things trying to get your attention at once. It’s too much input (and for too long) for your nervous system to handle.

But if you’ve noticed that rest sometimes isn’t enough to soothe your rattled nerves, you’re in good company. It turns out, overstimulation runs deeper than simple fatigue. When you’ve been in a near-constant state of responsiveness, listening for cries, mediating sibling conflict, answering questions, managing transitions, and absorbing others’ emotional energy all day, your nervous system can get stuck in a heightened state that quiet or sleep alone can’t fix. Our systems need actual regulation, not just the absence of noise.

But how the heck are you supposed to get it when you’re knee-deep in chores and children?

How to regulate yourself when you’re busy

1. Soften the Moment
When you notice yourself irritable or buzzing, ask yourself what can be softened or lowered or eased right now. Can the lights be dimmed or TV volume turned down? Can you pause or simplify the task you’re on, even for a few minutes? Try to slow down your movements and thoughts.

2. Speak to Your Overstimulated “Part” Like it’s a Friend
This idea might feel a little silly at first, but hear me out. Many parents find it surprisingly helpful to externalize the feeling of overwhelm, rather than judging it or trying to push it away. When emotions feel less fused to who we are, they become more manageable. You can say something like…

“I see how hard you’re trying to stay on top of everything. Thank you for caring so much. It’s okay to set some things aside for now. I’ll give you some comfort as soon as I can.”

3. Exhale the “ick”
Imagine that when you breathe in through your nose, you’re gathering up all that tension and stress and irritation – and then blow it out HARD through your mouth. Your exhale should be noisy, like the sigh of an exasperated teenager.

How to regulate when you’re alone

Repair yourself with the “right” kind of rest
According to psychologist Dr. Raquel Martin, if you still feel irritable or burned out after some quiet time or sleep, you may not be getting the right type of rest. She explains there are five different categories, and you can determine which one you need based on how you’re feeling:

• Mental Rest (if you’re being forgetful, unfocused, or keep replaying conversations in your head.) Dr. Martin says what you actually need to feel better is a break from mental noise, not ambient noise. Engage in an activity that requires some focus, but is pleasant to you (e.g. gardening, puzzles, reading, journaling, baking).
• Emotional Rest (if you’re feeling like you’ve been holding back your emotions in order to get through the day, or feeling as though you’ve had to manage others’ feelings.)For this, Dr. Martin says to find a safe place and time where you’re free to process and release your emotions from the day. This might look like talking about it with someone, or it could look like crying privately in the shower.
• Sensory Rest (if you’re feeling overwhelmed by lights, noises, touch, or talk.) Try to unplug from the world! Examples: get outside, take a break from screens, dim the lights, etc. Some people find it helpful to do something tactile as well, such as squeezing a stress ball or knitting.
• Social Rest (if you’re feeling drained from conversations, or like you have to be “on” all the time.) Time alone is perhaps one obvious step here, but some may actually find it more restful to spend time with empathetic people who don’t expect anything from you.
• Spiritual Rest (even if you’re not religious, you still might find yourself in need of spiritual rest if you feel disconnected, unmotivated, or like you’re going through the motions.) To address this need, Dr. Martin discusses getting “reconnected to purpose.” That could look like prayer, time in nature or with friends, or helping out in your community.

For more from Dr. Raquel Martin, you can listen to her podcast here, or follow her on Instagram @raquelmartinphd.