The other morning, I was rushing to get my toddler dressed for an outing. I’m sure you’re familiar with the story – he didn’t like either option of shirt I’d set out, we still needed to get teeth brushed, and neither of us were sure where his shoes were. My words were short, and my movements harried. At one point, my kiddo looked me straight in the eye and said, “You mad at me, Mama?”
Ouch.
I actually wasn’t mad at him at all. I was stressed about everything else. But in that moment, my stress had filled the room so fully that he felt it was directed at him. That experience was a reminder for me: sometimes it’s not the big things that create distance with our kids, but the little ways our busyness or overwhelm or distraction spills over. We don’t mean to disconnect, but it happens. The good news is, with awareness, we can catch ourselves and get back on track.
Here are some common ways we detach without realizing it…and how to re-engage.
1) Letting Stress Set the Tone
My anecdote falls under this category! When stress becomes background noise, kids sense it and tend to tiptoe around us as a result. Next time you realize you’re running around like a headless chicken, take notice of your children’s responses to it.
Words for reconnecting: “Yikes, I was all over the place, wasn’t I? I’m not mad at you, I just felt stressed. I’m going to slow myself down.”
2) Over-Managing Them
It’s easy to jump in and do things for kids – let me tie your shoes, let me fix your mistake, let me answer for you. It’s usually well-meaning. We’re trying to help, or possibly protect them from struggle. But we can accidentally really miss the boat with our good intentions, and kids may end up retreating emotionally.
Words for reconnecting: “I just noticed I’m overstepping, aren’t I? My bad! I’m going to take a step back and let you do it.”
3) Being Physically Present but Mentally Elsewhere
If you’ve ever found yourself agreeing to play with your kid, only to become aware that you’re paying 0 attention to them, it’s not just you! Sometimes you can be in the same room, toys in hand, but your mind is racing through tomorrow’s to-do list or family logistics. Even little ones are capable of noticing a glazed-over look, or responses that seem distracted. While you can’t always be 100% available, consistently being half-present can leave kids feeling unseen.
Words for reconnecting (making eye contact if possible): “Oops, I had something on my mind and wasn’t being much fun, was I? Let me write a quick note to myself so I don’t forget something. Then, I’m going to come right back and we’ll play for real.”
4) Over-Relying on Screens (Theirs and Ours)
We’ve all seen our kids zone out on TV, but often it’s our own scrolling that creates distance. You might manage to give a lackluster “oh wow,” to your kiddo’s drawing, but they know if your attention is really locked on your phone. Again, this isn’t about guilt – we’ve all been there – it’s about noticing.
Words for reconnecting: “I’m sorry bud, I got distracted by my phone. I’m going to set it down so I can get a better look at your drawing.”
5) Running on Empty
Parenthood demands so much of us. When we’re depleted, it can be hard to offer the warmth and connection our kids crave. Sometimes it shows up as irritability, and sometimes as zoning out. Either way, kids may interpret this as distance, even though the truth is we’re worn down. There’s no easy fix for this one (and no shame); however, simply naming it for your child will help them understand it’s not personal.
Words for reconnecting: “You know how when you’re super tired, you don’t feel like doing much, and get a little grumpy? I think that’s happening to me today. I’m sorry if I seem off – it’s not about you.”
Amanda Robinson, LPC-S, RPT-S 