Highly sensitive children (HSCs) can struggle to make friends for a myriad of reasons. Some strongly fear judgment and rejection, so they avoid reaching out to others. Many are introverted, deep thinkers who long for meaningful connections, but struggle with making shallow small talk. HSCs can also struggle with low frustration tolerance, and might have burned bridges with peers in the past by cheating at games or being overly controlling during play.
However, HSCs also have wonderful qualities that make them amazing friends! They’re creative, caring, thoughtful, and funny. They can form incredibly strong bonds with their friends.
Here are some ways parents and caregivers can support their HSCs in creating (and keeping) friendships:
Seek out similar temperaments
Be on the look out for kids with similar personalities (or challenges) in your child’s class or extracurricular activities! Your HSC is more likely to click with someone they feel understood by and comfortable with.
Be selective with activities
Know that activities and places that sound fun to most kids might be too much for your HSC. Many shy away from situations with too much noise or people – and depending on your child’s personality, it might be best to steer clear of competitive options like laser tag or board games. As said above, some sensitive children overreact to losses and frustration, and we want to set them up for success.
Keep playdates brief – and on familiar turf
HSCs typically feel most comfortable and confident in their own homes, which paves the way for a rewarding playdate. And keeping the meeting brief ensures they don’t get overstimulated or cranky! Once your HSC is more secure with their new friend, you can start to change up locations and lengthen the time.
Plan backup activities
There’s no need to plan every second of a playdate; after all, free play is developmentally healthy and good for forming friendships. However, some HSCs worry that they may run out of things to do and bore their new pal. A backup list of activities can help your child feel more secure going into the playdate, even if they don’t end up needing the list at all.
Quiet, low-key, non-competitive activities are usually best here! Suggestions include: making a craft; going on a scavenger hunt; building with Legos or Magna Tiles; playing low-action video games; baking something simple.
Normalize their feelings
It’s common for HSCs to get nervous before a playdate, and they may share fears that their companion won’t like them. Rather than immediately dismissing that concern, normalize it. You can say, “I understand, I get scared about that when I meet new people. And Abby might be just as nervous about coming over here, too!”
Shift to the positive
Yes, while I don’t want you to deny your child’s real feelings, there’s space here for positive thinking, too. Gently help your HSC understand that their mood can affect their behavior. In other words, if they believe others won’t like them, that might put them in a sad mood, and they won’t feel like playing. On the other hand, if they think of themselves as a fun, good friend, they’ll enjoy the playdate much more.
Intervene only when necessary
While I know you want the playdate to go well, try not to jump in every time you hear your HSC get into a conflict with a friend – that’s all part of the learning process! However, if you suspect they’re getting overstimulated and need a break or new direction, it’s okay to pull them aside and offer suggestions.
Good news! My new workbook for highly sensitive kids includes a couple of exercises aimed at helping readers form friendships! You can learn more about it here or on Amazon.
Amanda Robinson, LPC-S, RPT-S 