“The fact is that child rearing is a long, hard job, the rewards are not always immediately obvious, the work is undervalued, and parents are just as human and almost as vulnerable as their children.” (Benjamin Spock, Baby and Child Care, 1945).
Many adults go into parenthood well-aware that there will be challenges at times, but also assuming that the benefits will far outweigh the struggles. But what happens if that’s not the experience they wind up having? The constant demands of caring for children can take a toll on parents. And when those demands outweigh resources – it can lead to burnout.
What is parental burnout?
Know first that burnout is not the same thing as ordinary parent stress. All parents, all over the world, get stressed by their children sometimes. That’s normal, and is typically alleviated with rest or breaks. Parental burnout is chronic, overwhelming, practically ceaseless stress – and it persists despite attempts to recharge.
What are the symptoms of parental burnout?
Parental burnout is characterized by:
- a sense of overwhelming exhaustion related to being a parent
- emotional distancing or numbness from one’s children (interactions are limited to meeting physical needs, not emotional)
- a feeling of ineffectiveness (e.g, “I’m not good at this.”)
- loss of pleasure in spending time with children
- isolating yourself from friends, family, or social activities
What causes it?
Several factors can contribute to parental burnout – namely, a lack of support. A 2021 study surveyed parents across the globe and discovered that those living in individualistic (Western) societies like ours were far more likely to meet the criteria for parental burnout, as compared to those in collectivist cultures, where extended family members regularly pitch in with child-rearing.
If you don’t get much help from family, and maybe also have a partner who’s less involved than you’d like, and you perhaps don’t have the funds to afford babysitters, it makes sense that you might get burned to a crisp.
Other factors can make an impact too, including:
- Perfectionism (striving for unrealistic standards)
- Special Needs (caring for a kiddo with physical or psychological challenges)
- Other significant life challenges (divorce, mental illness, death of a loved one, etc)
How to Heal from Burnout
If you’re burned out, you might be feeling like you don’t “deserve” self-care, but remember that it’s NOT a luxury – it’s a requirement for your family’s overall health. If you want to recover from burnout, consider these strategies your “treatment.”
MUST: Share the Load
Parents aren’t meant to do this alone – remember that study on how parents from collectivist cultures don’t experience burnout? We’re meant to have lots of help! Share your feelings with your partner and ask them to take some items off your plate. Lean on extended family. If you have the financial means, hire baby-sitters.
If those aren’t doable, see if you can trade off hosting playdates with a friend – you’ll keep the kiddos one day while the friend has some alone time, if they’ll return the favor next time.
MUST: Prioritize Rest
I know your phone and TV are extremely alluring when you finally get 30 minutes of peace to yourself, but sleep is going to heal your body and brain much more than screen time can. The same goes for trying to get more tasks done while the kids sleep. Life is not about trying to cross off as many chores as possible. Put REST at the top of your to-do list, and take it seriously.
MUST: Set Realistic Expectations
One of the contributing factors to parental burnout is aspiring for perfection. That’s not on you – there’s practically a “cult” on social media that makes it seem like parenthood is calm, lovely, and clean all the time. (Meanwhile, behind the scenes, we know there’s probably a mountain of laundry lurking somewhere.)
Let go of the idea that you can achieve impossible standards, and do these things instead:
- Unfollow parenting accounts that make you feel bad about how you’re doing.
- Show yourself a ton of compassion, especially during difficult moments. (e.g. “This is hard. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. I’m doing the best I can.”)
- Stop tying your kids’ behavioral mistakes to your worth or success as a parent.
Strongly Consider: Seeking Professional Help
Good self-care habits can help parents recover from more mild levels of burnout; however, it’s not always enough. If you haven’t felt like yourself for awhile, please reach out to a mental health professional. Long-term parental burnout can have a deep effect on all members of the family.
Strongly Consider: Delegating Tasks
Involve the kids in doing chores! And if it’s within your means, consider hiring people to help with big tasks like deep-cleaning the house or doing yard work.
Strongly Consider: Journaling Your Thoughts
Years ago in my internship, I experienced a bout of counselor burnout, and turned to a book called Trauma Stewardship to try to help myself. One of the activities in the book involved writing a paragraph (or making a list) of why I wanted to become a therapist in the first place. When you’re in a place of emotional exhaustion, this can feel really hard, but I encourage you to try it! Write about why you wanted to be a parent, and include what you still enjoy about it now, if you’re able to. Read this journal entry every morning before you start your day.
Then, each night, write down 1-2 appreciations you have for the day. It’s okay to aim low with this! Maybe you’re just grateful that Little Henry’s meltdown only lasted 10 minutes instead of 45. Maybe your appreciation isn’t even parenting-related, but you enjoyed some nice weather. Focusing on the tiny “glimmers” in your day builds hope, which is important in burnout recovery.
Source:
Parental Burnout Across the Globe: A 42-Country Study (2021). Link
Amanda Robinson, LPC-S, RPT-S 