What to do when Kids Cross YOUR Boundaries

Setting consistent boundaries (and making sure others respect them) is a healthy thing to model for your kids. It not only lays the foundation for them to advocate for themselves, it also protects the relationship you have together. Of course, it’s basically a child’s (and teen’s!) job to push their parents, so we have to expect it to a degree – but can still respond accordingly.

Offer calm reminders
I know it’s frustrating to have your boundaries stepped on – you’re human, too! However, kids learn through social experiences, and they truly will miss the message if you’re angry or frustrated when you deliver it. We don’t want that. A measured response still gets your point across AND models the behavior you want to see in your child!

That said, be firm!
Being calm doesn’t mean being a pushover. This isn’t realistic for the real world anyway, where kids and teens alike will absolutely receive natural consequences from peers for crossing boundaries. It can also damage the parent-child relationship to repeatedly let them do things that make you uncomfortable. Here are some examples of ways you might combine patience with being firm on your limits:

• “I know you love using my I-pad, but it’s not available without my permission. Please put it back on the desk. You can try asking for it again after dinner.”
• “Oops, you forgot to knock on my door before entering! Let’s try that again – go back to the hallway, and I’ll close the door.” (Don’t entertain the conversation until they’ve done this correctly.)
• “Wow, you must be really angry to use that word with me. I want to hear you out, and I also want to be respected. Let’s start over.”

Model appropriate behavior
Maybe it feels a bit silly to knock on your 3-year-old’s bedroom door before entering. But if this is a behavior you want from them in return, it’s good for them to see it in practice! Here are some other simple rules all family members can follow:

• Stop (tickling, hugging, teasing, etc) when you’re asked to stop.
• Back each other up when someone’s advocating for himself/herself with other people.
• Don’t pressure anyone to try new foods. You as the parent choose what goes on the plate, and kids choose what goes in their bellies!
• Don’t read private journals.

Just like your kids, you might mistakenly cross boundaries from time to time! If you’re called out on this, rather than getting defensive, apologize and reaffirm that your kiddo did the right thing by reminding you.

Problem-solve
If a particular behavior keeps recurring, it may be helpful to look for deeper solutions. Sometimes impulsivity just gets the best of kids! Solutions might look like…

• “Hmmm, I notice it’s really hard to remember to knock on my bedroom door before coming in. Would it help you if I put a little stop sign on the door?”
• “I’m glad you’re home safe! This is the second time recently that you’ve missed curfew. Let’s come up with a solution…what do you think might help you keep track of time?”
• “It’s okay to get angry, but it’s not okay to hit me. You can hit the pillow or squeeze your stuffy instead.”

Handling crossed boundaries can feel sticky, but with patience and consistency, parents can guide their children toward understanding and respecting boundaries. Think of it this way: each boundary-crossing incident is just an opportunity for growth!