Are You “Over” Positive Parenting?

I’ve seen parents (both on social media and in my caseload) say this more and more often lately. And honestly…I get it.

Maybe you want to change generational patterns, but you’re also overwhelmed by everything you’re “supposed” to be doing. You’re fatigued from trying to validate every feeling, or word things in a specific way. Worse, all the experts give conflicting advice, so it’s hard to know which suggestion is even “right” anymore.

I’m still ABSOLUTELY a fan of people trying to parent with more intentionality! But I think seeing a bombardment of suggestions and advice 24/7 leaves many parents feeling more anxious and frustrated than inspired. I, and many other proponents of “positive parenting” (aka gentle parenting, positive discipline, mindful parenting, etc etc) truly don’t want parents to feel like they’re constantly missing the mark.

Trying to be more mindful of what you say and do with your children is a beautiful thing to do for them, and it shouldn’t leave you feeling even MORE guilty and insecure. If you don’t want to abandon the approach all together, but want to boil it down to the basics, I recommend focusing on these 5 main things…

Remember your child’s emotions aren’t yours

Remaining regulated when your child is experiencing “big feelings” is a huge piece of changing old patterns. If you don’t deal well with your triggers, you can’t expect your child to. But don’t worry – this does NOT mean you should remain all zen and peaceful every second of the day, even when your child is whacking you with a foam baseball bat. That’d actually be a bit weird.

Instead, work on noticing when you’re getting frustrated or overstimulated. Acknowledge those feelings to yourself, and use coping skills (taking a deep breath, walking away, etc) to get yourself through the moment. Unless safety is at risk, you can always wait until you’re regulated to address the child’s behavior.

Repair after mistakes

You’re going to say and do things that you regret. It’s unavoidable. When it happens, acknowledge the mistake, model problem-solving, and repair with them.

That might look like… “I’m so sorry that I yelled. Sometimes my feelings are hard to handle, so I wind up yelling. You didn’t deserve that, and I promise I’ll work on it. Is it okay if I give you a hug?”

Let go of the need to control

If you want your child to be independent, focus on guiding and empowering, not trying to control every movement or decision they make. And no, I don’t mean for you to let them run wild! If they choose to take a particular action, they choose the natural consequence that comes along with it. Giving them the freedom to make mistakes is paramount. Letting go of the need to control means recognizing that you are a guide, not a puppet master.

Ways we sometimes over-control kids without meaning to:

• Constantly correcting grammar
• Correcting the way they play with a particular toy
• Nagging
• Giving unasked-for advice
• Intervening to fix every problem or challenge for them
• Making rules that don’t align with their developmental capabilities (e.g., expecting a three-year-old to sit still during an hour-long family dinner)

Keep your word as much as possible

Whether you’ve promised ice cream after their soccer game, or “promised” a consequence of no friends over if they don’t clean their room – stick by your word. Stuff happens sometimes, but general consistency matters. Let them see that they can trust what you say.

When things feel off, turn to play

Play shouldn’t be the thing kids earn from you for being good; instead, think of play as the healing salve for your relationship when it feels rough. Play connects, repairs, and builds trust and closeness.

If you’re interested in positive parenting approaches but get overwhelmed by the plethora of advice, what do you think of these 5 basics? Does this mindset feel more doable, or does it still seem like too much to keep in mind?