“Good Enough” Parenting

What if I told you that you only need to effectively respond to your child’s needs about thirty percent of the time? 

Let’s back up a little bit. In the 1950s, pediatrician Donald Winnicott made waves by rejecting the idea of perfect parents (truly groundbreaking at the time). He put forth instead that children thrive best when their caregivers are supportive, but are also sometimes out of sync. Winnicott argued that the “good enough” parent is actually BETTER than a perfect one, as kids learn how to manage difficult moments within a safe environment. According to him, caregivers only need to get it right about a third of the time in order to have healthy, securely attached children. 

Now, this concept isn’t just one guy’s kooky thinking aimed at making us feel better; amazingly, modern research on attachment has backed up Winnicott’s theory. In a 2010 study of parents and infants, researcher Beatrice Beebe found that babies whose caregivers effectively responded about half of the time developed the most resilience, compared with babies whose caregivers didn’t respond at all – or who tried to respond too much. Researcher Ed Tronick re-emphasized that the parent-child relationship is crucial, but also added that, “mutual interaction is not smooth, but rather a messy process characterized by matching and mismatching of intentions.” 

Science is trying hard to tell us that occasional missteps and disconnection are not just “okay,” but preferred.

But if we only need to respond well 30% of the time, what are we doing during the other two thirds? Theoretically, we’re spending 30% making inevitable mistakes, and the final 30% is spent on repairing. (Repairs happen when we recognize we were distracted, overly harsh, or otherwise missed the boat, and we put in effort to acknowledge this and get reconnected.)

This repair third shouldn’t be minimized, by the way! The process of coming back together may actually be MORE beneficial to a relationship than is constant connection. You yourself may have noticed this in parenthood; many caregivers report feeling closer to their kids after making genuine amends following conflict, compared to the days that go totally conflict-free. 

I remember learning about Winnicott in college and being somewhat taken aback by this concept. Now, as a parent myself, I find it such a relief! It’s reassuring to me (and hopefully to you) to know you don’t need to get it right as often as you might think. Yes, show interest in your children’s lives and respond quickly to true distress when you can…but it’s great to let kids figure some things out themselves. Good enough parents are loving, imperfect, and willing to repair. 

Sources:
Donald Winnicott (1964). The Child, the Family, and the Outside World
Beatrice Beebe (2010). The Optimum Mid-Range: Infant research, literature, and romantic attachment. Link
Ed Tronick (2017). The Caregiver-Infant Dyad as a Buffer of Resource Enhancing… Link
Susan Woodhouse (2019). Secure Base Provision: A new approach to examining links between maternal caregiving and infant attachment.Link