In the past few years, there’s been a reckoning of toxic masculinity as more and more teen boys are able to recognize the flaws in masculine stereotypes and confront social norms. However, there’s unfortunately still a long way to go. Talking about feelings is still seen as primarily a “girl thing” by both adults and kids, males and females, leading even young boys to conceal their emotions in an effort to fit in.
The ramifications of this are crushing: boys sometimes fail to develop an emotional vocabulary to recognize their feelings or a set of tools for coping with them. As they grow, some struggle to form real connections with their peers and wind up distancing themselves, either unintentionally or intentionally (as a defense).
Of course, bottling up emotions isn’t an effective strategy, and some teen boys develop depression – which, unlike in girls, may not look like sadness and fatigue, but may instead present as angry and aggressive behavior, which only isolates them further. Even when male adolescents recognize that they need help, there’s still stigma attached with seeking therapy.
The boys’ mental health crisis is a complicated one without a single fix, but there are some things parents and caregivers can do to lay a healthy foundation:
Validate feelings that boys express
On the surface, this may seem obvious, but if your 7-year-old is sobbing because he dropped his ice cream, this idea can feel REAL difficult real quick! If you can acknowledge their feelings from an early age, they’ll feel more comfortable coming to you as teens, when they have more complicated problems to sort out.
Don’t be concerned with “toughening them up”
Children naturally move toward autonomy when they’re ready! They don’t really need us to put them through special trials of toughness in order to increase their resilience. In fact, love and affection in the face of adversity is what gives people strength.
Okay the feeling, not the behavior
Let’s say your kiddo is frustrated and being disrespectful. It’s okay to ask for respect – but we want to do that without ignoring their feelings in the meantime. That might look like, “Whoa, I can tell from your tone that you’re angry with me. I want to hear you out, but I also deserve respect. Can we try this again?”
Share your own feelings – especially dads & other male relatives!
Process out loud when appropriate so your son can see that emotions are normal and healthy for humans, including men. In the same vein, be careful of how you respond to others’ feelings in front of him.
Advocate for them with extended family and and community
If you see others minimize your son’s experience (or boys in general), stand up for them!
Connect them to a support system
Boys in particular can struggle to connect to their peers as they get older. You can help them develop their hobbies by involving them in clubs or sports. Bonding over shared interests improves their connection to others.
Amanda Robinson, LPC-S, RPT-S 