Occasional nightmares are developmentally normal in children, with up to 96% of kids experiencing one at some point in their childhoods. While bad dreams are an irregular occurrence for most, they can really take hold of others and cause persistent distress. This post offers ideas for not only providing comfort in the moment, but also preventing nightmares from happening in the first place.
Let’s start with prevention first…
1) Address sources of stress head-on
When kids are regularly having nightmares, this is often a sign that the brain is trying to work through challenges they’re experiencing during the day. Check in with your kiddo about what concerns or challenges they might have, and help them solve problems, if possible. Taking real action may help their minds feel less stressed overall, and therefore reduce bad dreams.
2) Educate about dreams
During a calm moment of the day, perhaps while doing an activity together, explain how dreams work in simple terms: We see, hear, and think about a lot during the day, and our brains have to try to organize it all. Brains are just trying to help us make sense of stuff – but sometimes they do it in weird ways. Explaining the brain in a light-hearted way can reduce some of the “power” nightmares hold.
This strategy is also important because sometimes younger ones mistakenly believe that because they imagined something, it’ll come true. If you think this might the case with your child, give them a silly demonstration. “Close your eyes and picture me with a unicorn horn. Think really really hard about it! Okay, open your eyes! Did it work?” (Moral of the story: our thoughts can feel big and powerful sometimes, but they can’t actually DO anything to us or anyone else.)
3) Make the last waking hour relaxing
Aim for low stress and low stimulation in the last hour before bed. This can be hard on nights when you rush home late after a volleyball game or violin practice, but do the best you can! During this hour, get ready for bed, chat about the day, listen to music, and avoid the TV – or at least aim for shows that are pleasant and calm.
4) Keep bedtime consistent
Going to bed overtired or not getting enough sleep can actually trigger nightmares. This is because the body will spend more time in REM sleep in order to catch up on time lost – and the REM cycle is when bad dreams take place!
5) Use their big imaginations for good
It’s okay to lean on kids’ magical thinking to help you out here. Some ideas include:
- Putting up a dream catcher
- Leaving a special item or photo under their pillow to encourage good dreams
- Tasking a stuffed animal with the important job of protecting kiddo while they sleep
6) Plant pleasant thoughts
Just before lights out, make sure you’re keeping any conversation positive. You can also consider playing a guided meditation or sleep story – or even winging your own! The more worried a child is that they’ll have a nightmare, the more likely they are to get one, unfortunately. So it’s worth taking the time to help them feel at peace before they fall asleep.
What to do if a nightmare still happens?
1) Balance “reality checks” with validation
It’s natural to want to reassure your child that their dream wasn’t real, and this is okay, as long as you’re not accidentally minimizing their feelings in the process! To them it IS real, and you might be able to relate, if you’ve recently dreamt something scary or sad. The material might be untrue, but the feelings you experienced were real.
You can achieve balance by saying, “That must have been so scary! I don’t blame you for being upset. You’re awake now, and you’re safe…that stuff didn’t happen in real life.”
2) Try the Dream Changer technique
Describing the nightmare can be helpful for some and not others. You know your child best, and THEY know best what they need in the moment. If you invite them to share and they turn you down, respect that. However, if they’re interested in talking, help them change the narrative (after you’ve heard the full story and offered validation).
That might look like…”It’s awful that the bad guy killed Fido. If you could rewrite your dream like it’s a movie, I wonder how it would go differently. Maybe Fido becomes gigantic and scares the bad guy away? What do you think?” This technique can be empowering for some children, but tread lightly! If they don’t seem into it, don’t force it.
3) Encourage a (brief) change in scenery
Once your kiddo has passed the peak of anxiety and tears, offer them the chance to get a bathroom break or quick sip of water. While they’re gone, straighten the bed covers and rearrange the stuffed animals. These subtle efforts make the return to bed feel inviting rather than scary.
4) Repeat #2 from the prevention section
If it’s the middle of the night and you’re not feeling another story, I get it, but try to once again steer the conversation to happy times before sending them back to sleep. For example…
- “Let’s plan on having waffles in the morning, if that sounds good to you.”
- “I can’t wait for this weekend, when we go on our big hike.”
- “After school tomorrow you can help me bathe Fido. Let’s just hope he doesn’t splash us like last time!”
5) Seek professional help (in addition to these ideas) if your child…
- Recently experienced a traumatic event
- Struggles in other ways during daytime hours, such as seeming anxious or depressed, isolating self, or complaining of head or stomachaches.
Amanda Robinson, LPC-S, RPT-S 